THE ANTI-GRAVITY LEAGUE
Welcome to the new millennium!
When I first started this site, wayback when - it was still the 20th century. Those long ago days of yore, when online prophets were predicting either the end of human civilization or some grand cosmic re-awakening of the spirit. Or oftentimes, both. Well, the calendar's moved on, Y2K made the barest ripple. Irony died in 2001, according to the newspapers and magazines. And then irony was resurrected seconds later. And yet, universal peace or universal destruction seem as far away as ever they were. So, what happened?
It could be that all these guys were just plain wrong. But ... nah, surely not.
That answer seems so simple, so uncomplicated, so not fun.
Surely we can come up with much crazier reasons. Maybe something to do with the year zero?
Below is the Anti-Gravity League in its pre-21st century state. How can we update it for the new era?
It seems like everyone's got a pet theory, doesn't it? Perhaps it's space aliens come to uplift us to another dimension, or it's KGB in cahoots with the Heavenly Host. Sometimes you think you can't walk out the door without running smack into a comet or a Photon Belt or whatever pseudo-scientific thingy is the latest fad of the week.
But all these theories are missing something. Maybe one forgets to mention Atlantis. And another leaves out Roswell.
Well, with your help, I want to build a grand unified theorem of flakiness. The one rule is that nothing in this theory should make sense. Not even medicated shampoo will get the flakes of this uber-theory!
Why? For something to do? Because maybe we need a crazy theory for the crazy times we live in? Does everything have to have a reason?
But to build this theory, I'll need your help! Please e-mail me with whatever wacky idea you come up with. Don't worry about the contradictions! All great religions thrive on them! In the spirit of the midrashim and Star Trek fandom, we'll try to explain them away. Or not. What's life without a little divine mystery?
Okay, let's get the ball rolling!
Gravity is not really a physical limitation. It's a psychic one. There's a conspiracy of scientists holding back our psychic growth. When the new millennium comes, we will learn how to transcend gravity! Even the lowly pig will learn to fly!
Not much is it? Well, come up with a better idea! Send it to me, and you'll receive credit. (That's a better deal than what God gave most of Hir ghost-writers!)
And our first submission is from Tori in Texas! She writes:
I think you should remember as
with all good relegions that in order to transcend gravity we must become one
with the gravity with this can be accomplished by the tieing of huge weights
to the extremities the monks of this relegeon wander about day and night
dragging 100lb weights behind them then flinging them selves off cliffs this
way they truly comphrehend the gravity with in their own souls a true master
ascends so to say when they are beamed up about midfall.But where would we tie the weights on our female monks?
Thanks for your contribution, Tori. As a reward for being the first to add to our doctrine, you will receive your very own 100-pound weights to become one with gravity. And of course, you'll also be sent your personal psychic Photon Utility Belt with such items as a Photon Alphabet Soup Container and the Photon Shark Repellent! Just what you need to prepare for cosmic awareness and battling super-criminals! Welcome to the League!
Don't believe that gravity is something that we need to overcome? Read what A. Milnes has to say.
As for the League... is it a religion or a protest movement? I'm all in
favour of legal restrictions on the all-pervading force... the number of
times Gravity has set out to 'get me' is atrocious. It's responsible for
the majority of household accidents, yet what do politicians do about
it? Nothing! Please... start an official probe into possible
conspiracies between Gravity and Politicians.I think that the League can be a religion, a protest movement and a kick-ass superhero team all in one! Thanks for writing in. You'll be getting your own personal invisible, intangible Anti-Gravity Mobile! It has a top secret crime lab to help you foil gravity's next insidious ploy. Well, that stuff could help you if you could see or touch your new gravity-busting hot rod. But then, that's what faith is for, isn't it?
So, who's up for investigating the conspiracies between gravity and politicians? Sign up for this special committee. You'll get a cool Photonic ID card, special transparent uniforms, and be able to take all expense paid fact finding missions to exotic dimensions like Asgard!
And now, here's a submission by my friend Crackers. I haven't corrected his typos, because typos are not only a part of his charm, they are also an effective anti-brainwashing tool,
The thing most people fail to realize about The Great Gravity Conspiracy is that the efforts to cover up the fact that one can transcend gravity through the application of the minds own psychic power ("I think therefore I'm Pan-Am.") extend backwards in time to our prehuman selves. The power behind this conspiracy is, of course, the International Industrial-Military Complex. Why is it so important that they maintain the Great Gravity Conspiracy (GGC)? As with many things in life the explanation is so simple and obvious that it eludes our logical minds that have been conditioned to only accept increasingly complex rationalizations. The reason the International Industrial-Military Complex (IIMC) strives to maintain the GGC is because the IIMC is in the business of making bombs and bombs don't work without gravity. Without gravity you could not drop bombs from airplanes, hand grenades would soar off into infinity once thrown, you couldn't even lob shells from a Howitzer without gravity. In fact gravity has been a key element behind the functioning of every projectile weapon since the dawn of time.
It is only natural that as the human species evolves our comsic awareness becomes greater and awaken to the fact that gravity exists only because we believe the Great Lie that gravity is real.
To keep us huddled in our ignorance and tethered between the poles of this earthen prison the IIMC will, in the future before there comes a Great Peace that unifies all humankind thus rendering the IIMC obsolete, construct a Tacheon Engramme Transmitter. This will have the effect of transmitting powerful mind altering beams backwards in time (because Tacheons travel faster than the speed of light) programming the human mind to accept the illusion of gravity as a reality. So far reaching are these transmissions that they have programmed the minds of even our proto-human ancestors.
Look at the work of anthropologist Jane Goodall, she clearly documents cases where chimpanzees attack one another with projectiles, throwing sticks, stones, and their own feces at each other. Not only does the belief in gravity go back to a time over nine million years ago when we shared a common ancestry with modern chimps, but so does the urge to make war. This cannot be dismissed as mere coincidence. The fact that the IIMC created the mental conditioning to make war which in turn created the IIMC is the paradox that proves the theory. Unless there is a paradox there can be no time travel.
But there is hope for those of us confined by the conditioning imposed on our minds to this earthbound battlefield. Hope in the fact that the technology that created this conditioning was flawed. Every now and then there will be breakthroughs, even if only temporary, where exceptional minds are able to free themselves from the bondage of this conditioning. How else can you explain historically recorded stories of human flight, Jesus ascending into heaven, the flight of Icarus and Deadalus, Yogic Flyers running for political office? The power lies withing us all to overcome the mental conditioning imposed on our most prehistoric selves. Even in the modern day there have been reports of people defying the "laws" of gravity. Yogic flyers running for political office, even writer Douglas Adams came the revelation that gravity is all in the mind when he wrote in the "Hitchikers Guide To Galaxy" books that flying is only a matter of throwing yourself at the ground and missing. This is why he was murdered while on vacation in Greece shortly after the book "Life, The Universe, And Everything" was published. The world is unaware of this because a secret society of Adamsians continue to publish works in his name just as the [name of modern science fiction like religion deleted] continue to create new [name of writer deleted, see below] books long after he was killed when he developed the preliminary theories behind the IIMC's Tacheon Engramme Transmitter (TET) while working secretly for the IIMC under the guise of being a religious leader. It's through these policies of assasination and coverup that the IIMC is able to keep us in ignorance.
Think about it, without the IIMC, GGC, and TET how else could you explain the expression "flights of fancy"? It can't be done. All the pieces fall into place too neatly, and because it's too neat our minds, adapted to the complexity of a world that thrives on constant, complex stimulation from multi-media to the internet, can't see it because of its simplicity. The answer is under our nose and the very fact that it is kept UNDER our nose is because we have been conditioned to accept gravity as a reality.
CRACKERS
(I want to disbelieve from hell!!!!!!)
I'd like to thank Crackers for his brave and frank report about the IIMC, GGC and TET. He would get the greatest anti-gravity prize package yet -- if only the IIMC hadn't gotten to him first. Oh, he may seem normal these days (normal for him, anyway), but those of us equipped with nightscope, Photonic, duotronic-coupled-relayed, Kryptonite goggles can see the hideous truth about the post-IIMC Crackers. It's a shame about the cheese omelette, isn't it?I regret deleting sections of his brillant analysis of the hidden truths (which cost him more than those without a NPDCRKG will ever realize). The thing is that he made comments than might enrage a rival New Age group. Yes, I'm talking about the Loony Religious Order of Nitwits. Those guys have no sense of humour.
So, now what about the rest of you?
E-mail your ideas to me at antigrav@boldoutlaw.com
Hello. It's only a few days until the New Year. Just two years left before the new millennium starts. And one year before most people think it starts. You see, back when our little Christian dating system was created there was no concept of zero in Europe. If you look at a proper timeline, you'll see we go straight from 1 BC to Anno Domini 1 with no year 0 in sight. This means that if the year is AD 1999, it means there have been 1998 completed years in the anno domini reckoning, and we are currently working on our 1999th year. What all this means is that start of the next millennium is on January 1, 2001.
This leads me to a few thoughts. One is that many people swear that the next millennium begins on January 1, 2000. This would mean that 1999 years equals 2000 years. Now, I'm not the best at keeping a budget, but it seems to me that these sorts of millennial mathematics could be put to some shady purposes.
The other thought is how much easier our calendar would be if there had been a year 0. Of course, to squeeze a year 0 in now would mean either setting the AD calendar off by a year. (Which would also put off that pesky Y2K problem for another year.) Or we'd have to take a year away from the BC dates. Either way, a lot of history books would need to be revised.
However, I've noticed that some New Age cults have included a year zero in their timeline. Apparently it ties in with cosmic light, Atlantis and ancient Mayan stuff. All of which is the bread and butter of wacky, late 20th beliefs. So, perhaps we at the Anti-Gravity League should add a year 0 to our calendar. A whole new year that no proper history book records!
What happened in this missing year? How does it relate to today?
As always, send me your funniest, weirdest and just plain hoopiest ideas! Write to me at antigrav@boldoutlaw.com.
Come on, the New Age was never this fun!
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